Pre-run Boomer

Ok, warning: I said today's posts will be mannly and not for the faint of heart. This is intended to be funny, but some may not care for my potty humor.

So this morning while I'm getting ready to go out for my long run I'm also relaxing with the family. Chit-chat with the wife over coffee, what time does Super Bowl start? Let's make a list for a Target run. I gather together my gloves & favorite warm hat. I help the kids get waffles for breakfast (nothing for me). I pack my gear bag and check it twice, water bottle, gatorade, Gu gels, fuel belt, watch, etc. I've already slathered Vasoline on my toes and I've also got the heart rate monitor on. My HR while sitting at the kitchen table is a calm n' cool 65 but each time I get up to grab another essential to take with me then the HR blips up around 75 and then coasts back down when I return to my seat.

The Mrs. chronically gives me crap about being disorganized while getting ready for a race departure or a long run workout. Little workouts aren't nearly so important; but I don't like to drive somewhere for a long run only to find out that I've forgotten some piece of indispensable equipment. That always f's with my mind.

So I've got everything together, I'm right on time, I'm all bundled up and I'm actually stepping into the garage when I feel a rumble / gurgle from my stomach. Uh-oh, what's up? I put my gear bag into the car but decide I'd better go back inside for minute for a gut-check. Cue louder rumblin. Oh crap, I think I gotta do a crap... or do I? You know that in-between feeling? But I don't like to risk it when I'm going into the woods for a long run. Like the saying goes "a bear may shit in the woods" but I prefer porcelain & Charmin over bushes & leaves. As soon as I'm back inside, it's all like "whatcha forget?" and the peanut gallery adds "that was a quick run!". Hardy har har. I start unlayering, hat, gloves, coat, running jacket, RUMBLE w/a half flip-flop. Uh no, who's in the bathroom? "Go upstairs, I'll be another minute."

There's always that certain tipping point when the situation goes from just a 'maybe' to an emergency in about 10 seconds flat. I reached that point. I bolted for the steps. I'm taking the steps 2 at a time until I feel the need to clench the butt cheeks and then my pace slows. By the time I'm at the bathroom door I've already got my sweat pants half way to my knees. This is going to be a close one. Almost there, just need a few more seconds. As I pass by the sink I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror - the grimace on my face was not a good look. This was one of those kinds of craps where you literally do not have a second to spare. I whipped my shorts down to my knees while simultaneously doing a 180 and bending to sit. I honestly can't say for sure if my butt felt the cold seat first, or if my sphincter finally gave out before touchdown. CAA-BOOM. Power Poopie. Whoa, I barely made it. Rarely has a crap taken over every ounce of focus & energy with such haste. I'm certain a 5 second delay would've ruined my whole day.

But as it was, it was just another small part of the pre-run ritual. Having a blog allows one to expand on the details of every day minutia such as this. Like I always say to my kids, "Are you sure you don't want to just try before we leave? It's a long trip."